So I am still not-so-good

#notabloggingdebt

Ok la. I had sort of promised myself not to blog about any recent thing before I clear all my blogging debt. But now, it was hard for me not to express what I thought so there is it. Not a blogging debt.

I have a confession. I am selfish, demanding, bossy, and I want people to listen to only me. Darn. After all the years I tried to mimic successful persons' personalities, try to adapt and bring the good out of myself, try to hide and minimize the bad of me. Of course I knew there is no one perfect. Still, I am trying my best to be the better one. And after all the years trying, adapting and improving, I am still at where I was. I am silly to believe that I am making improvements. Maybe yes to minor improvements there and here. But still, I am not reaching anywhere because the minor improvements are not sufficient to bring me a level up.

An incident proved them all. I am still the not-perfect-me. I am no where reaching my own goal. I am hopeless. Guilt built inside me. Yet I still do nothing but only to blog here. My efforts on shaping a good me were like all drained away. An unexpected incident snapped out, and I was no different than those bitchy, princessy bitch you watched in HK or Korean drama. Why am I behaving like this? Why can't I drop off the negative side of me?

I hate myself. After all I have learned, tried, and believed in, I am still the same. Not improving. I don't want to stay like this forever. What is the point of going guilty after thing happened and regret it afterwards? This is it. Here will be the end of everything. I care and concern about feeling of each and everyone I love. I can't go on like this. I am selfish and it will hurt others, especially those I love.

I still can't figure how, how am I going to change. My effort to change from years ago were drained away just like that. Can I still do it now? I don't know. But I have to try. And make sure that it will be successful this time. I have no idea on how to do it yet, nor how I get to know that I have actually successful. But for now, what I am certain with is that I can't and don't want to stay imperfect like this forever. It hurts me a lot when I realized that my actions and behavior are actually hurting people I love. And an imperfect me means I am not going anywhere in my life. No, I don't want that too. I had dreams and ambitions to be achieved. And I am not letting them go un-achieved just because of my attitudes.

So, end of confession. Felt better. Will go to the bed thinking how to be a better me.