I can't remember well but this probably had broken my record - the first pencil I break in year 2013. And one is not enough. And this is the one and only pencil inside my drawer. Great. Could not take it more and break into tears. Had you been in a situation that you have no one to talk with? I mean, not even one. I am not forever alone. I got people I loved, people I cared for and I knew there are people outside there that care for me, and love me. But there is just time when I could think a million of people who I can talk to, but I knew that this would not work. It is not like I do not trust them but sometimes, you just will know that they won't understand your situation. They care for me I knew but I knew better that they could not put themselves in my shoes.
For days I had this ill tummy that it had not been cured till now.
For days I had come back my rented room and had to work under only a fan and you all should know how hot it is nowadays. Sleep every night almost naked and still can wake up in sweat the next morning. Sometimes I don't understand why I tortured myself so much and refused to get myself a room with air cond. I am not the one taking care of the room rent anyway.
For weeks and months I had been having nightmares during the sleep. I wake before the alarm rings. I wake feeling tired everyday. I am really going crazy from this soon.
For days and weeks I felt so pressured and stressed in work. To a point that I keep making mistakes in my paper work. And to a point that I doubt the quality of my own work. This is seriously ridiculous, as when I first entered into working field, I was very confident with my own work. I produce the best I can give. When there is conflict in work, I stand still holding my working papers firm, saying that my works and figures are the right one. And what happened now? I have no idea how is all these happening.
Senior assigned me work, which I think it is ridiculous for me to complete the task after my work hours. If it only takes minutes, then why can't I do it tomorrow in the office? Make no difference, right? People just bully me the cheap labor too much.
I had just deal with one of most stubborn people I knew in this world. Wtf is wrong with delaying the project for just another year? I am tired with this. You are the one leading this anyway. Your project, your problem. Again, wtf.
I had promised to help with someone's report. Deadline is nearing and my part is not ready yet. I really felt like giving up, and go up to him and tell him, "Hey, sorry, I think you gotta finish this by yourself". Everyday, on average, after deducting my work hours, eat and sleep hours, I had only two hours to do the report daily. Hard for me to do this, I must say. Agreed to help at the first time just thinking to help and to train myself to be able to work and study at the same time. Regretted.
Stupid laptop decided to cause me problem at this hour. Like the problem it gave me last week was not enough. What kind of laptop, really, that could not open a microsoft word document due to whatever environment variable.
One personal laptop and one company laptop. Had two laptops but none is being helpful. Again I wonder why I need to help my parents save so much. We are not rich but I am certain that they are able to get me a new laptop.
So now that I had speak up. Does anyone really understand what I am facing and feeling right now? How unhappy/ stressful/ angry to the point I need to break a pencil and break into tears?
I don't think so. So I have to find my own solution. Pity pencil. Wasted few tissues too. And oh, pity my company's laptop too, to take the hard slam from me.
Used up the only pencil I had and I gonna stock more pencils tomorrow.
