So I am still not-so-good

#notabloggingdebt

Ok la. I had sort of promised myself not to blog about any recent thing before I clear all my blogging debt. But now, it was hard for me not to express what I thought so there is it. Not a blogging debt.

I have a confession. I am selfish, demanding, bossy, and I want people to listen to only me. Darn. After all the years I tried to mimic successful persons' personalities, try to adapt and bring the good out of myself, try to hide and minimize the bad of me. Of course I knew there is no one perfect. Still, I am trying my best to be the better one. And after all the years trying, adapting and improving, I am still at where I was. I am silly to believe that I am making improvements. Maybe yes to minor improvements there and here. But still, I am not reaching anywhere because the minor improvements are not sufficient to bring me a level up.

An incident proved them all. I am still the not-perfect-me. I am no where reaching my own goal. I am hopeless. Guilt built inside me. Yet I still do nothing but only to blog here. My efforts on shaping a good me were like all drained away. An unexpected incident snapped out, and I was no different than those bitchy, princessy bitch you watched in HK or Korean drama. Why am I behaving like this? Why can't I drop off the negative side of me?

I hate myself. After all I have learned, tried, and believed in, I am still the same. Not improving. I don't want to stay like this forever. What is the point of going guilty after thing happened and regret it afterwards? This is it. Here will be the end of everything. I care and concern about feeling of each and everyone I love. I can't go on like this. I am selfish and it will hurt others, especially those I love.

I still can't figure how, how am I going to change. My effort to change from years ago were drained away just like that. Can I still do it now? I don't know. But I have to try. And make sure that it will be successful this time. I have no idea on how to do it yet, nor how I get to know that I have actually successful. But for now, what I am certain with is that I can't and don't want to stay imperfect like this forever. It hurts me a lot when I realized that my actions and behavior are actually hurting people I love. And an imperfect me means I am not going anywhere in my life. No, I don't want that too. I had dreams and ambitions to be achieved. And I am not letting them go un-achieved just because of my attitudes.

So, end of confession. Felt better. Will go to the bed thinking how to be a better me.

Nightmares. Outing. Exam. Holidays

#bloggingdebt Events happened like two months away from current date.

So basically the title says all. First, nightmares. Yes, nightmares. More to stress I put on myself leading to nightmares every single night weeks before the final examination. These all stressed me out. Still I was happy that there are people out there concerned about me =D

Sobs.. I love you all! Thanks for care! I am alright now. Lets just wait till the next wave of nightmares, which I believe will happen soon. Final exam is like 4 weeks away from now!

Next, outing. Yes, in the middle of my final examination period, I went outing with my besties. I had my first two final papers on Thursday and the third paper came only the next Wednesday. So it was like a week break in between the papers so I went outing with my besties for like half a day. And there was no need for me to feel guilty k! It was just a break in the middle of war LOL a rest to de-stress will make me strive better! #selfcomfort

So yeah outing. And guess where we head to? Jogoya! Oh gosh, I had missed Jogoya a lot. Although I still hate the fact that it did not serve ebi sushi T__T There was a story behind this Jogoya outing. One of the besties, Kyle was about to leave for study at UK for 3 months, so he requested for a farewell, asking us to have a fake farewell for him. Nah, farewell was just an excuse. I know you will miss us, Kyle. That's why you want a gathering =p We love him too and decided to just went along with it. So, Jogoya is it!

Look for the day. I purposely went to saloon to have my eyebrows fixed because I was so sick of having untidy and un-groomed eyebrows every time I have outing. So there is it. Ok la for only RM5 LOL

I drove to Old Klang Road to meet my friend and she drove rest of us to Jogoya because I was just too scare to drive to Jogoya alone. The traffic there was just like hell.

Beautiful passengers of the day, while we were waiting for the driver and co-driver to get ready LOL

We were the earliest to arrive, so we walked around in Pavillion and there were one or two of us wanted to have tea =.= A tea before buffet? I knew, weird right? Anyway, since they wanted it, so the rest of us just went along. We went in to a random cafe in Tokyo Street, Pavillion. And look what is this!

Macaroons! It was my first time to have macaroons. I had always heard friends talking about it, saw beautiful rows of macaroons in my Facebook news feed and I finally can have it! Two of these were mine, the rest belongs to another bestie. I love love love seeing macaroons because the bright colors always make me happy. 

And I still love seeing my own face in each photo. Thank you. 

And I had too high expectations towards the macaroon. Or at least the macaroons in this particular cafe (I forgot name of the cafe). They were too sweet! Each of them! I have always love sweet thing but these were too much. I had to painfully swallow down my two macaroons T__T And they were not cheap k! I can order a plate of chicken rice with the price I paid for one macaroon.

Let me quote from bestie Ivy, 'Curiosity kills the macaroon'. LOL We were curios of what the heck was in the middle of macaroon. So we 'killed' a macaroon to have a look at it. Nothing special. It was only super weird-smelling jam stuff inside macaroon. Tasted super weird if ate alone too. 

So when all the besties arrived, we went to Starhill for Jogoya! It was a long queue there because Jogoya was having promotion that time. We were lucky that when we got there, there were few of us already waiting in the line hahaha.

Selca while waiting! =D

The group and the table for warm up session

The real deal was here!

I must tell the story behind this dish. You can find this in the Teppanyaki area. Dish name is mushroom something. Drop your table number there and the staff will prepare and bring it over for you. It was my favourite dish and the besties's favourite too. I had drop the table number for this dishes twice, and the dishes  were served twice and yet, I never get to eat it even once. The other members took it. And then we realized that we had common liking towards this mushy and we dropped all the table numbers for the dish. Popular dish of the table LOL

And of course cannot left out my favourite dessert!

After the gathering, it was time to say bye bye again. Bye bye to all the fun and lets go back to my oh-so-stressful life. Final exam is here!

When you were busying for final, to eat good food will never ever come to mind. Just have your instant noodles while reading your notes.

Part of notes for final. I love colorful notes! 

Final papers had finally ended on 3rd May and that is it! Holidays! Oh how I loved the feeling to complete all the papers and pack to head home. I may post about my holidays in details in the next post. It had been too long that I had been lazying around blog, Facebook and Youtube so now, back to my assignments.

Another blogging debt in next post. Will try clear them all out as soon as possible.

congrats grad!

This is prepared looonnngg time ago. I didn't post it because I was waiting for more pictures. And I am still waiting. Daniel Liew, what you wanna do with all the photos? Boil soup drink ah? And I got tired of waiting and decided to publish this anyway. Wait till I got the photos maybe I will come out with congrats grad part II lol.

Event happened on 31/3/2012. Yea yea I am late. But still better than nothing =p

So when friends keep updating status on the graduating at INTI Nilai the night before the big day itself, I can never feel comfortable in my heart. Those were classmates I had known since my foundation year. They had graduated, yet I am still struggling in my studies. If only I were more serious towards my studies, I will have graduate earlier than when I supposed to now. If only I were able to choose the courses I want, I will have graduated by now, attending the same graduation ceremony as my friends now. It all sure break my heart. How long I have to stay here, stuck with the course I hate most?

Nevertheless, I was still happy for my bestie for graduating. She is in the category of first class degree honor with a best achievement award. I can already feel her happiness when she told us about it a month before the ceremony. Well, who is not happy being awarded with a first class degree topped with best achievement after the years of pain studying like hell? Me as bestie were happy for her too. And proud. Me befriend with a genius LOL

Graduation ceremony is hold in INTI Nilai so all the besties are coming here to attend it! Another round of gossip-girls-time after the Malacca trip! =D The convo girl, Doink had to be at Nilai at 8am, where I don't really bother to meet her up because it was way too early for me to wake up and she was busy there and here to get her stuff settled lol. By that time, besties in Subang and KL areas were already preparing to come down. They gathered together in Subang and have breakfast together before coming Nilai. One of bestie even called me the night before the day to tell me, just to show off  =.=

"All of the besties are having breakfast together in Subang before departing! Wanna come for join?"
"I drive to Subang to have breakfast with you girls then drive to Nilai again where we will meet up here? Why can't you girls come here and we have breakfast here?"
"Because Nilai is far away and we will get hungry before reaching! Come join us la. All the besties are here tomorrow. Sure don't want to join us? *evil-ish smile*"

Good try. You knew my weakness well. And I hate you for tempting me.

Major stuff that upset me for the day was I was late for the convo! To train a newbie in promoting took me freaking 2 hours! And I attended the convo with my bared-face, and my working attire =.= To attend an important event with bared-face was really my first time. To have gathering/any events with my besties always mean to come out with polished face or pretty attire, because we all love selca and taking pictures there and here. So better doll up yourself if you wanna pretty tagged pictures of yours in Facebook.

Say hi to un-dolled me LOL

And as I mentioned, I was late. They were at Multi Purpose Hall when I arrived. And as the hall is quite huge, I had trouble spotting them. I was about to reach my phone to call them and then I remembered that the convo girl's bf bought her balloon as grad gift. And I spotted them using the balloon.

Convo girl whatapps me the pic of her balloon the day before the ceremony. So I was just conveniently spotted them by the yellow balloon. Plus, just how many of the graduating students will bring in convo balloon? 

Except besties, I also met with two ex-classmates who were graduating on same day. Catherine on above picture and Heather the below. I was amazed by how different both of them look like after leaving school and start working. So pretty that I don't even. I was thinking that will I get prettier after I got to mix more to the world outside LOL Standing beside people that fully dolled up, I look extremely ugly fml. Mental note not to go near camera next time if I am not made up. 

As for bestie, most pictures are still with photographer. So lets see what I got for now

Picture-taking in progress. Convo girl had her personal photographer..

..and personal stylist. You lucky one.

And then me messing around with her balloon..

..with her ferrero rocher bouquet given by us..

..with flowers given by her parents..

..and then with her mortar board and cert LOL I am the grad here now. 

What if Doink without her infamous planking pose? She can do planking anytime, anywhere, even in the romantic honeymoon trip with her hubby =.= And she dragged us along to do her convo planking. 'Sisters do good thing together.' And it was fun haha! Me missed that moments =( 

After all the photo-taking, they were all craving for nasi lemak =.= And then I brought them to Aunty Jenny to satisfy their craving. I love the nasi lemak there and I was glad they loved it too.

Almost the whole table ordered nasi lemak. Except for the convo girl who had porridge due to her ulser and Sher who had nasi goreng tomyam. 

And it all ended there where they all went back after the meal. My besties are all busy superwomen with hectic lifestyles!

Weeks after the convo ceremony, convo girl made our day.

The card and ferrero rocher bouquet given by us as her graduation gift were featured in her graduation photo shooting with her family members. These were only a little that we can give to her and I was happy that she liked and appreciate them a lot. 

Selca of convo girl, Thatcher Chan Mei Ling with first class degree and best academic achievement in Marketing. We were so proud of you. She is going to continue her master in INTI Nilai, September intake. You faster come here can! I am dead boring here xD

Anyway, all the best for your studies and the besties will support you to the max. Love ya =D

p/s: iPhone users can go download POCO to look as flawless as her. Good friend I am, I knew :p

low self confidence

Low self confidence. And I can proudly say that, that is my characteristic. Or maybe no. I am so not proud of having this. I am always envious of few certain ladies, especially who can look so confident in whatever they are doing or saying. I could never have done that. There are few ladies out there where I admire a lot, though I knew there are people calling them bitch. But for me, they are just girls who are very confident with herself or girls who stood up straight with their own opinions.

I can tell you that my self-confidence is to the max low level. And I was like that since I was very young. I always care too much of how people look at me. I am scared that people look at me negatively so I always remain to be normal, and ordinary. Sometimes I felt like standing out of the crowd, to impress people and be who I really want to be. But it is always the low self confidence that pull me down back, telling me that people out there will throw me harsh words and I will end up hurting myself.

When I was in high school, I was labeled the Biscuit Queen =.= because I used to only eat biscuits during recess time. And there is one time; we have recess period together with juniors/seniors and the cafeteria of course had more people than usual. Upon reaching the cafeteria, I was terrified by the amount of people there and my low self confidence came in again. I was OK being the Biscuit Queen among my friends but with another batch of students? No. I was scared that being teased and laughed for eating biscuits where the foods at cafeteria were so cheap. I told my friend about this and refused to go in. My friend had been my hero and said : Never mind. You are scared to bring your biscuits in right? I will bring it in for you! And I don't care what they said about me. And with that, she grabbed the biscuits from me and led me in to the cafeteria. Doink, it’s you! Do you still remember that? =D

And there is one time in Inti where I got only one period of class on that day. So I dress up very casually to class, thinking that I was going for only two hours class. So I wore a t-shirt, pants up to my knees and a pair of shoes. And it was great day when I met my crush in my most erm.. ugly attire. And he was only a meter away from me. It was obvious that he noticed me. But I pretended not to see him, buried my head in notes and walked a pace faster, like I was late for a test, because.. well..

There are a lot more for me to write but let’s call it the end there because if I continue writing, I won’t be finishing anytime sooner.

If I am a person with high self esteem, this blog will be loaded with loads of craps. Ok this blog is already a crap but if I am with high self esteem, it will be crap-ier. Because I will keep updating my blog with all the stuff crossed my mind. Believe me that I have lots to blog out here but I didn't do it..well..because of my low self confidence. I am scared of how people will think of me. What if mean people come judge me here and there because of the thing I posted? What if people think I am boring and childish and stuff like that? Here, let me just show you some example of post I wanted to write a lot but I always scare that I got negative comments on it, ended up I didn't write them. 

I have always wanted to post something like this once in a while.. But I was scared to get comments like: Meh, you think we cared? After all, who am I? But me myself being a loser, I love to find out what other people likes. Post like this, is always better than advertisements. I will choose to believe a product review written by someone who really use it rather than an advertisement. Visit the blog here

Like this blogger (more to youtuber actually), I also love to know what other people bought from shopping. I busybody I know. I used to check out what my mum bought from her shopping even it was grocery shopping =.= Again I was always scare to have post about my own purchases because well.. the same reason again..

This is my top favorite blogger, xiaxue. She is straight-forward and she stands still with her opinions regardless her mounting mean commenters/haters. In fact, my post about foreveraloneness was inspired by her. And as I state in that post, I did spent nights thinking whether to post that up or not because the topic was way too subjective and I might get flamed for that. But fortunately, I get 0 comment on it because I am nobody LOL

She is the meme proposal girl. She did this post of My Glamorous Life just because someone asked her if her life is as glamorous as it looks like. I had once trying to do similar post for my friend, because she knew that my life is not princessy at all but she just don't understand that why I kept saying that I live a princess life. I had all the materials prepared for the post but still I could not just post it up because I wonder who will actually cares about how my life is..

Or this. This blogger's online nickname is qiuqiu so the category of Qweekly (Q, her name + weekly) is all about the random things she had done in a week and wrote out in a post. Quite a good way to spend the weekend and keep the blog updated, I think.

So these are among the topics I have always wanted to write, but I am just too scare. Scared of how other people look at me. I personally love to read all those examples I posted above but when it come to me to write it out, I just have a million of thoughts. 

Like Rapunzel in the movie Rapunzel: Tangled after leaving her tower to finally step on the grass. But then right after she left her tower, she had mixed emotion. 

At one second, she will be very happy to leave the tower. 

At the next second, she will be emo for leaving the tower even her mother restricted her to do so, which annoyed Flynn to the max.

Good example to describe myself eh. When I was about to post or write something, I will be like: 'Hell yeah! I am so going to do it this time! Believe it!' Then the next moment, I will be like: 'No no no no no. There are mean people out there, reading what you wrote.'


But..! Rapunzel had left her tower. And me was having mixed emotion even before I write out anything. Yeah. I knew, I am the one negative here. And this shall not be me. This can't be me. I sometimes wonder why shall I worried so much. My blog, my rule, right?


There was one time, I had conversation with one friend, where we touched on a particular topic where I had just wrote out on my blog that time. I just then show him my blog so I don't have to painfully explain everything again. He read and asked me, 'Is there anything else in your blog which worth reading?' I was dumbfounded for a minute at his question. Well, I never expect that kind of question. I thought of harsh comments, people bitching over my post, people laughing behind my back but not this. I answered him a 'no'. I had told him from the beginning that my blog is a crappy blog, where I just use it to record down my feelings and all the happenings around me. 


I had deep thought over his question. Is there anything else in my blog that worth reading? I had thought of restructure my blog style, to make it private or even close it down because nothing particular in my blog that worth reading. But at last, no. I won't. To restructure means to forcefully change myself into someone else. I don't see why I shall make it private. To delete it is the worst. Blog can be deleted but the problem is still there. I am trying so hard to overcome my problem and to delete means to avoid the problem, not solving it. Only coward avoids problem. So I had come out with a conclusion. I am the one writing here. It is not me to decide that my blog worth reading or not. It is you. I am the writer, I decide what is the worth writing one. And I can say, everything I wrote were worth writing. 


Now I am overcoming my low self confidence. Be prepared to be bombard by tons of crappy post. =)


p/s: This had been written really long time ago. The original of this post end till Rapunzel. It was actually concluded with something like: To have mixed emotion and worry even before I write out? Place confidence in myself. Step out from it like how Rapunzel left her tower. Yeah, some sort of thing to convince myself that I can do it. But then it was again shoved under my Drafts for months. I was still battling even after I wrote it. Coward. After the conversation, now I finally dig it out, edit there and here, and ready to publish this post. Because to hide it under Drafts is coward. Because I really feel that these were all worth writing. Worth reading or not is not decided by me, can't be controlled by me. So, why the worry? If you have been scrolling until this point, thank you =) and a big thank you to my friend too. 


p/p/s: I knew I went for hiatus for long time. Friend had been like: your last post was like 2 months ago! =.= I am updating now. I have to clear up my blogging debt before I can finally has space to blog about recent things. 


Stay tune ;) 
xoxo