low self confidence

Low self confidence. And I can proudly say that, that is my characteristic. Or maybe no. I am so not proud of having this. I am always envious of few certain ladies, especially who can look so confident in whatever they are doing or saying. I could never have done that. There are few ladies out there where I admire a lot, though I knew there are people calling them bitch. But for me, they are just girls who are very confident with herself or girls who stood up straight with their own opinions.

I can tell you that my self-confidence is to the max low level. And I was like that since I was very young. I always care too much of how people look at me. I am scared that people look at me negatively so I always remain to be normal, and ordinary. Sometimes I felt like standing out of the crowd, to impress people and be who I really want to be. But it is always the low self confidence that pull me down back, telling me that people out there will throw me harsh words and I will end up hurting myself.

When I was in high school, I was labeled the Biscuit Queen =.= because I used to only eat biscuits during recess time. And there is one time; we have recess period together with juniors/seniors and the cafeteria of course had more people than usual. Upon reaching the cafeteria, I was terrified by the amount of people there and my low self confidence came in again. I was OK being the Biscuit Queen among my friends but with another batch of students? No. I was scared that being teased and laughed for eating biscuits where the foods at cafeteria were so cheap. I told my friend about this and refused to go in. My friend had been my hero and said : Never mind. You are scared to bring your biscuits in right? I will bring it in for you! And I don't care what they said about me. And with that, she grabbed the biscuits from me and led me in to the cafeteria. Doink, it’s you! Do you still remember that? =D

And there is one time in Inti where I got only one period of class on that day. So I dress up very casually to class, thinking that I was going for only two hours class. So I wore a t-shirt, pants up to my knees and a pair of shoes. And it was great day when I met my crush in my most erm.. ugly attire. And he was only a meter away from me. It was obvious that he noticed me. But I pretended not to see him, buried my head in notes and walked a pace faster, like I was late for a test, because.. well..

There are a lot more for me to write but let’s call it the end there because if I continue writing, I won’t be finishing anytime sooner.

If I am a person with high self esteem, this blog will be loaded with loads of craps. Ok this blog is already a crap but if I am with high self esteem, it will be crap-ier. Because I will keep updating my blog with all the stuff crossed my mind. Believe me that I have lots to blog out here but I didn't do it..well..because of my low self confidence. I am scared of how people will think of me. What if mean people come judge me here and there because of the thing I posted? What if people think I am boring and childish and stuff like that? Here, let me just show you some example of post I wanted to write a lot but I always scare that I got negative comments on it, ended up I didn't write them. 

I have always wanted to post something like this once in a while.. But I was scared to get comments like: Meh, you think we cared? After all, who am I? But me myself being a loser, I love to find out what other people likes. Post like this, is always better than advertisements. I will choose to believe a product review written by someone who really use it rather than an advertisement. Visit the blog here

Like this blogger (more to youtuber actually), I also love to know what other people bought from shopping. I busybody I know. I used to check out what my mum bought from her shopping even it was grocery shopping =.= Again I was always scare to have post about my own purchases because well.. the same reason again..

This is my top favorite blogger, xiaxue. She is straight-forward and she stands still with her opinions regardless her mounting mean commenters/haters. In fact, my post about foreveraloneness was inspired by her. And as I state in that post, I did spent nights thinking whether to post that up or not because the topic was way too subjective and I might get flamed for that. But fortunately, I get 0 comment on it because I am nobody LOL

She is the meme proposal girl. She did this post of My Glamorous Life just because someone asked her if her life is as glamorous as it looks like. I had once trying to do similar post for my friend, because she knew that my life is not princessy at all but she just don't understand that why I kept saying that I live a princess life. I had all the materials prepared for the post but still I could not just post it up because I wonder who will actually cares about how my life is..

Or this. This blogger's online nickname is qiuqiu so the category of Qweekly (Q, her name + weekly) is all about the random things she had done in a week and wrote out in a post. Quite a good way to spend the weekend and keep the blog updated, I think.

So these are among the topics I have always wanted to write, but I am just too scare. Scared of how other people look at me. I personally love to read all those examples I posted above but when it come to me to write it out, I just have a million of thoughts. 

Like Rapunzel in the movie Rapunzel: Tangled after leaving her tower to finally step on the grass. But then right after she left her tower, she had mixed emotion. 

At one second, she will be very happy to leave the tower. 

At the next second, she will be emo for leaving the tower even her mother restricted her to do so, which annoyed Flynn to the max.

Good example to describe myself eh. When I was about to post or write something, I will be like: 'Hell yeah! I am so going to do it this time! Believe it!' Then the next moment, I will be like: 'No no no no no. There are mean people out there, reading what you wrote.'


But..! Rapunzel had left her tower. And me was having mixed emotion even before I write out anything. Yeah. I knew, I am the one negative here. And this shall not be me. This can't be me. I sometimes wonder why shall I worried so much. My blog, my rule, right?


There was one time, I had conversation with one friend, where we touched on a particular topic where I had just wrote out on my blog that time. I just then show him my blog so I don't have to painfully explain everything again. He read and asked me, 'Is there anything else in your blog which worth reading?' I was dumbfounded for a minute at his question. Well, I never expect that kind of question. I thought of harsh comments, people bitching over my post, people laughing behind my back but not this. I answered him a 'no'. I had told him from the beginning that my blog is a crappy blog, where I just use it to record down my feelings and all the happenings around me. 


I had deep thought over his question. Is there anything else in my blog that worth reading? I had thought of restructure my blog style, to make it private or even close it down because nothing particular in my blog that worth reading. But at last, no. I won't. To restructure means to forcefully change myself into someone else. I don't see why I shall make it private. To delete it is the worst. Blog can be deleted but the problem is still there. I am trying so hard to overcome my problem and to delete means to avoid the problem, not solving it. Only coward avoids problem. So I had come out with a conclusion. I am the one writing here. It is not me to decide that my blog worth reading or not. It is you. I am the writer, I decide what is the worth writing one. And I can say, everything I wrote were worth writing. 


Now I am overcoming my low self confidence. Be prepared to be bombard by tons of crappy post. =)


p/s: This had been written really long time ago. The original of this post end till Rapunzel. It was actually concluded with something like: To have mixed emotion and worry even before I write out? Place confidence in myself. Step out from it like how Rapunzel left her tower. Yeah, some sort of thing to convince myself that I can do it. But then it was again shoved under my Drafts for months. I was still battling even after I wrote it. Coward. After the conversation, now I finally dig it out, edit there and here, and ready to publish this post. Because to hide it under Drafts is coward. Because I really feel that these were all worth writing. Worth reading or not is not decided by me, can't be controlled by me. So, why the worry? If you have been scrolling until this point, thank you =) and a big thank you to my friend too. 


p/p/s: I knew I went for hiatus for long time. Friend had been like: your last post was like 2 months ago! =.= I am updating now. I have to clear up my blogging debt before I can finally has space to blog about recent things. 


Stay tune ;) 
xoxo