friends

Emo post. 

I am shy, I am introverted, I have only few friends. It is to the point where I am comfortable with only myself or only people I am really close with. I feel comfortable roaming around the shopping malls alone. And the idea that 'Hey, try inviting some of your classmates or course mates'  never crossed my mind whenever I plan to go out. Yes, I did it several times before. And honestly, nothing feel as comfortable as roaming around shopping mall alone. I mean, how I can stand for 2 hours in book store when I am with friends right? People I felt comfortable with - my family, my besties, my bf.

But sometimes, I still feel lonely. Yes, I am used to be alone but still I will have the feeling to be surrounded by lots of friends sometimes. Family is 2.5 hours drive away from me. Besties are not always free. We have only specific time for gathering. Bf has his own life too, give the poor guy a little break.

Facebook is always the weapon to stir up the envy/jealousy in me. Every time, I saw people posting their happy photos with their university friends in Facebook. I am very envy/jealous of people who mix well with their classmates or course mates. Can you imagine, people came from across the globe/nation and you guys are placed together in a class. With no clue of what is each other past, sometimes even what each other's real names, you guys can be friends. In short time, maybe good friends. That you guys can go for dinner, movies and even trip together. Or hugging each other for photos. Which we always see girl hugs her bestie in the photos. You all lucky people. I am envy. I am jealous. Why can't I have good friends in University too?

Things happened when I am in first year of degree life. When I first started, I think friendship is just 'meh' here in University. I came here to study, I came here to get a degree. Not socializing outside there all night long and wasting my parent's money as well as my sleeping beauty time. But soon, I felt lonely. I eat alone, I study alone, I walk to class alone, I did everything alone. And it hit me at my face that I actually need friends here. After all, what is university life when you have no friends and no memory here? As much as I hate socializing, going out at night because I think that it wasted my time to sleep, I promise myself to make more new friends, and go out socializing with them. As long as I drew an invisible line of to what point I shall allow myself to socialize then it shall be alright, right? And I am lucky enough, after a few nights of hang out and study in group, I am their 'friend'. Friend as in they will remember to ask you out for dinner together, for movies, for outing and remember to celebrate your birthday with you. Not that kind of friends where all the topic of conversation and time spent together were limited to class time only.

But very soon, I got kicked out from their life. I am no idea why. I kept figuring why but still I don't get it. If you think that it is my problem, my attitude or behavior problem, please let me know. If I agreed with what you said, definitely I will change. I have my ego but I am not stubborn. If deep in my heart, I agreed that I am at the wrong side, I will change for the sake of our friendship and for a better me. If I didn't agree with what you said, then just forget about it. You are just unhappy that I am not living the way you want. But still, you even refuse to take the initiative step. You refuse to tell and you refuse to let me improve myself and accept the new me. Am I not being initiative enough? I put down my ego, again and again I try to have back you all as friends. That sometimes I am so ashamed of myself. That sometimes I thought, why should I bother while you all have already gave me up. That sometimes I thought, why should I lower myself to that position? Because I valued you, you, you and you. Because I love you all as friends.

Familiar? Happened to almost everyone, I guess. Happened to me too, a lot of times. Feel like tearing up? Yes. Very. But this is not the worst yet. Know what's the worst? When they go for outing in a real big bunch of friends together, laughing along the street and you bump into them. Real story, baby. Do you all have the idea of how broken is my heart and how I hold my tears in heart and how I fake my smile and says :

Hey where are you guys going? Oh? June's birthday? Happy birthday June! =D

You guys don't even fake on a : 

'Oh hi how coincidence! Lets join us!'

Of course I knew it was fake, silly. Coincidence because we bump into each other when you all going for a biggie big birthday celebration when I am going for dinner. But at least, faking a 'fake invitation' might make me feel better. And no worries, I won't accept it. After all, it was fake and not sincere. Just to make myself feel better. I psycho I know. What's the point of the fake invitation when I knew it is fake and I am not going?

I had one or two drops of tears, looking at the photos we took together before and thinking of the memories we had before. That was past. Now I am stand up strong. Guess mummy is right when she told me not to put much hope in friendship and love. 'I understand your bond with your besties but people out there (the 'friends' in University) is not the same.' Put much hope, put much love and you get hurt at the end. You think they care about you now?

So with that, I keep myself alone. Activity with friends are limited to class period and class related stuff. Even it is outside the class time, it is only lunch/dinner/real quick movie. But not everyone here is bad. Flo and Venna, if you are reading this, I love you girls =) I should have went intern with you girls.

So I keep myself a distance, even until now. But still problem occurs. wtf. What else I did wrong this time? I was kind to the new found friends. I offered myself to run from level 4 to the ground level to take newly printed notes for them. When there is short of notes, I offer them my own notes, saying that I can re-print it later on. I had lunch and dinner with them occasionally. I wasted my napping time to accompany them to meet lecturers. You all can't see the effort I tried to pour into our friendship? And yet what I got? Betrayal. Left out. For one single assignment. I don't wish to elaborate. Don't ask me. I acted cool but I am hurt. It is actually minor. A very minor form of betrayal. Ok la I use betrayal because I can't think of any other less-serious term. But still it hurts. I show you cool face because that is only I can do. I am being nice to you still because I don't want to make things worse.

Guess I don't have much fate with people. I will hug my teddy and go around with it and tell people : that's my best friend. My girls, you are all still the best. I miss you all.

One or two is missing here. But don't get offended girls. You know who you are. Just posting this because this is my favorite piece.