Jobless

It had been long since my last update. I still had a lot of #bloggingdebts going on but let's not go for these now. Most people that read my blog are my close friends so you guys must know already that I had graduated and now staying home.

Here comes the topic. I had been staying home for more than 3 months yet I am still staying home. Friends and relatives had been asking "Why are you always home?", "Haven't found a job yet?", "What are you do at home?", "Did you actually plan to work?", "Your mum feed you all these months after you graduate ar?" and so and so. They even comes in with "Youngsters nowadays huh. You all prefers to rest for months before get your ass off to find job right?"

Yes, I am very well aware that I am doing nothing at home being like an useless. At first, I enjoyed staying home so much. I have my big, new cozy room here which I can never rent a room up to this standard after I go out to the city for job. I have a 50' plasma in the living room, with all sort of Astro channels await for me. I have a comfortable dining room where everyday I am motivated to help cook good food for my family members, so we all can sit in a same table enjoying good meals.

But reality kicks in. I could not live this way for my whole life. I gotta go out and work. When people asked me, I had always reply "I am still waiting for companies' replies". I am not lying. I applied to few companies I wanted and I had been waiting for almost a month now. If I knew that companies will take their sweet time in replying, I would have apply last year in my final semester. I started to fret out. My friends are all working or waiting to commence already but I am at home doing nothing. Even for those who are not working, they are having work and travel in western countries. Everyday I am questioning myself, "What am I still doing at home?" but never really got myself an answer. I started to feel bad. Sure it is pretty easy for my mum to feed me. I eat only a little, I help do house chores but this is not what I wanted. My younger siblings have way lower qualifications than me but they are earning wages themselves. Me? Sometimes when my younger brother asked me about my job application, I was so ashamed to tell that I am still waiting and still applying. Sure he did not mean anything bad but is just curious and concern for my jobs, but still.

It is all my own fault that I am still jobless and staying home right now. If I could just move my lazy ass to apply for jobs during my last semester. Or at least right after I graduate. Before this I still told people that I will enjoy my CNY before start applying, damn and now I have enjoy my life way too much.

Sometimes I told myself to worry now or to feel bad now would not help. Just apply and apply for more companies and wait for the answers. Meanwhile, do anything I can at home. Cook, clean, tidy up, do filings, accompany my mum. And fill in this blog maybe.

If I want it I will go get it

I rarely update stuff in Facebook nowadays (and blog too :x sorry for the long hiatus) but today I was exceptionally boring that I updated the Facebook status twice. About going back hometown and cutting the hair short. 

For my last semester, I had pretty free lecture schedule where I do not have class on Friday and my Monday class started at 4pm. Thus since the first week of the semester I never failed to go back hometown every weekend. Back to hometown Raub on Friday morning and then to Nilai back on Monday morning. Today is Thursday and my class ended at 3pm. I thought of stick to the original routine to go back on Friday morning so I can stay to do bit of revision. Bullshit. I should have known myself well. Me doing revision when the test is two weeks ahead? C'mon. This is not me. And now regretted. Because I am mood-less to do anything at all in the hostel. Might as well go back hometown right? At least I get to eat good dinner lol. And when I regretted of not going back earlier; I decided that it was a bit too late to drive back at 7pm+. I always avoid driving at night due to my astigmatism. Then I just stick to regret-not-going-back-home mood for night, until I saw this..

This is how youngster is. Love to do insane stuff. Miss home out of sudden, then went back home. Today suddenly miss home much - now I am at home. Mama got surprised too. Haha

I just got speechless. Wtf was I thinking at the earlier of the day? My cousin was so right. You miss home, you go back now. She went back even for a day. Ok maybe a day plus. Went back hometown on Thursday evening and back to Nilai on Saturday morning for the part time job. Just because she missed home. Then why am I thinking so much? I want to go home - I will just go home now. 

Then another thing is the hair! I was thinking to chop it off to shoulder length. But then I am taking forever to make a decision T.T until I see this (below), at around the same time where I saw my cousin's status..

Where is the courage coming from?.... (I apologize that I am a banana the rest of the words are too hard for me to understand T.T)

Lemme present you the winner of Talent award for Asia Muse Search 2013 Miss Wei Chean. 

This is inspiration. I don't know why but this photo inspired me. Maybe because it was updated around the same time as the previous status, I felt inspired to just go with my feeling and cut my hair short. If I want short hair, then I will just go cut it short. Ok la maybe not as short as this. This is not shoulder length okay. 

I don't know why am I so afraid of doing things, and making new plan out of the old plan. I think too much of the consequences and outcomes, maybe? Maybe I should just get rid of the worry. The worry and stress will age people faster! We live just once. If I feel like doing it, I will just do it. As long as it didn't bring harm to me or people around me right? 

Like now, I feel like walking out to the convenient store for an ice-cream, and I will just go do it. I want the ice-cream and I will go get it. The consequences? Nah, I will jog two more laps tomorrow. 

There are 5 in the family
But the dinner prepared is for 4
The rice bowls on the table is only 3
I'll blame the upper generation for the way of upbringing the kids and the mistakes made
I promised myself that I won't let this happen in my own family in future
5 people means 5 rice bowls on the table
No more no less

So I am still not-so-good

#notabloggingdebt

Ok la. I had sort of promised myself not to blog about any recent thing before I clear all my blogging debt. But now, it was hard for me not to express what I thought so there is it. Not a blogging debt.

I have a confession. I am selfish, demanding, bossy, and I want people to listen to only me. Darn. After all the years I tried to mimic successful persons' personalities, try to adapt and bring the good out of myself, try to hide and minimize the bad of me. Of course I knew there is no one perfect. Still, I am trying my best to be the better one. And after all the years trying, adapting and improving, I am still at where I was. I am silly to believe that I am making improvements. Maybe yes to minor improvements there and here. But still, I am not reaching anywhere because the minor improvements are not sufficient to bring me a level up.

An incident proved them all. I am still the not-perfect-me. I am no where reaching my own goal. I am hopeless. Guilt built inside me. Yet I still do nothing but only to blog here. My efforts on shaping a good me were like all drained away. An unexpected incident snapped out, and I was no different than those bitchy, princessy bitch you watched in HK or Korean drama. Why am I behaving like this? Why can't I drop off the negative side of me?

I hate myself. After all I have learned, tried, and believed in, I am still the same. Not improving. I don't want to stay like this forever. What is the point of going guilty after thing happened and regret it afterwards? This is it. Here will be the end of everything. I care and concern about feeling of each and everyone I love. I can't go on like this. I am selfish and it will hurt others, especially those I love.

I still can't figure how, how am I going to change. My effort to change from years ago were drained away just like that. Can I still do it now? I don't know. But I have to try. And make sure that it will be successful this time. I have no idea on how to do it yet, nor how I get to know that I have actually successful. But for now, what I am certain with is that I can't and don't want to stay imperfect like this forever. It hurts me a lot when I realized that my actions and behavior are actually hurting people I love. And an imperfect me means I am not going anywhere in my life. No, I don't want that too. I had dreams and ambitions to be achieved. And I am not letting them go un-achieved just because of my attitudes.

So, end of confession. Felt better. Will go to the bed thinking how to be a better me.

low self confidence

Low self confidence. And I can proudly say that, that is my characteristic. Or maybe no. I am so not proud of having this. I am always envious of few certain ladies, especially who can look so confident in whatever they are doing or saying. I could never have done that. There are few ladies out there where I admire a lot, though I knew there are people calling them bitch. But for me, they are just girls who are very confident with herself or girls who stood up straight with their own opinions.

I can tell you that my self-confidence is to the max low level. And I was like that since I was very young. I always care too much of how people look at me. I am scared that people look at me negatively so I always remain to be normal, and ordinary. Sometimes I felt like standing out of the crowd, to impress people and be who I really want to be. But it is always the low self confidence that pull me down back, telling me that people out there will throw me harsh words and I will end up hurting myself.

When I was in high school, I was labeled the Biscuit Queen =.= because I used to only eat biscuits during recess time. And there is one time; we have recess period together with juniors/seniors and the cafeteria of course had more people than usual. Upon reaching the cafeteria, I was terrified by the amount of people there and my low self confidence came in again. I was OK being the Biscuit Queen among my friends but with another batch of students? No. I was scared that being teased and laughed for eating biscuits where the foods at cafeteria were so cheap. I told my friend about this and refused to go in. My friend had been my hero and said : Never mind. You are scared to bring your biscuits in right? I will bring it in for you! And I don't care what they said about me. And with that, she grabbed the biscuits from me and led me in to the cafeteria. Doink, it’s you! Do you still remember that? =D

And there is one time in Inti where I got only one period of class on that day. So I dress up very casually to class, thinking that I was going for only two hours class. So I wore a t-shirt, pants up to my knees and a pair of shoes. And it was great day when I met my crush in my most erm.. ugly attire. And he was only a meter away from me. It was obvious that he noticed me. But I pretended not to see him, buried my head in notes and walked a pace faster, like I was late for a test, because.. well..

There are a lot more for me to write but let’s call it the end there because if I continue writing, I won’t be finishing anytime sooner.

If I am a person with high self esteem, this blog will be loaded with loads of craps. Ok this blog is already a crap but if I am with high self esteem, it will be crap-ier. Because I will keep updating my blog with all the stuff crossed my mind. Believe me that I have lots to blog out here but I didn't do it..well..because of my low self confidence. I am scared of how people will think of me. What if mean people come judge me here and there because of the thing I posted? What if people think I am boring and childish and stuff like that? Here, let me just show you some example of post I wanted to write a lot but I always scare that I got negative comments on it, ended up I didn't write them. 

I have always wanted to post something like this once in a while.. But I was scared to get comments like: Meh, you think we cared? After all, who am I? But me myself being a loser, I love to find out what other people likes. Post like this, is always better than advertisements. I will choose to believe a product review written by someone who really use it rather than an advertisement. Visit the blog here

Like this blogger (more to youtuber actually), I also love to know what other people bought from shopping. I busybody I know. I used to check out what my mum bought from her shopping even it was grocery shopping =.= Again I was always scare to have post about my own purchases because well.. the same reason again..

This is my top favorite blogger, xiaxue. She is straight-forward and she stands still with her opinions regardless her mounting mean commenters/haters. In fact, my post about foreveraloneness was inspired by her. And as I state in that post, I did spent nights thinking whether to post that up or not because the topic was way too subjective and I might get flamed for that. But fortunately, I get 0 comment on it because I am nobody LOL

She is the meme proposal girl. She did this post of My Glamorous Life just because someone asked her if her life is as glamorous as it looks like. I had once trying to do similar post for my friend, because she knew that my life is not princessy at all but she just don't understand that why I kept saying that I live a princess life. I had all the materials prepared for the post but still I could not just post it up because I wonder who will actually cares about how my life is..

Or this. This blogger's online nickname is qiuqiu so the category of Qweekly (Q, her name + weekly) is all about the random things she had done in a week and wrote out in a post. Quite a good way to spend the weekend and keep the blog updated, I think.

So these are among the topics I have always wanted to write, but I am just too scare. Scared of how other people look at me. I personally love to read all those examples I posted above but when it come to me to write it out, I just have a million of thoughts. 

Like Rapunzel in the movie Rapunzel: Tangled after leaving her tower to finally step on the grass. But then right after she left her tower, she had mixed emotion. 

At one second, she will be very happy to leave the tower. 

At the next second, she will be emo for leaving the tower even her mother restricted her to do so, which annoyed Flynn to the max.

Good example to describe myself eh. When I was about to post or write something, I will be like: 'Hell yeah! I am so going to do it this time! Believe it!' Then the next moment, I will be like: 'No no no no no. There are mean people out there, reading what you wrote.'


But..! Rapunzel had left her tower. And me was having mixed emotion even before I write out anything. Yeah. I knew, I am the one negative here. And this shall not be me. This can't be me. I sometimes wonder why shall I worried so much. My blog, my rule, right?


There was one time, I had conversation with one friend, where we touched on a particular topic where I had just wrote out on my blog that time. I just then show him my blog so I don't have to painfully explain everything again. He read and asked me, 'Is there anything else in your blog which worth reading?' I was dumbfounded for a minute at his question. Well, I never expect that kind of question. I thought of harsh comments, people bitching over my post, people laughing behind my back but not this. I answered him a 'no'. I had told him from the beginning that my blog is a crappy blog, where I just use it to record down my feelings and all the happenings around me. 


I had deep thought over his question. Is there anything else in my blog that worth reading? I had thought of restructure my blog style, to make it private or even close it down because nothing particular in my blog that worth reading. But at last, no. I won't. To restructure means to forcefully change myself into someone else. I don't see why I shall make it private. To delete it is the worst. Blog can be deleted but the problem is still there. I am trying so hard to overcome my problem and to delete means to avoid the problem, not solving it. Only coward avoids problem. So I had come out with a conclusion. I am the one writing here. It is not me to decide that my blog worth reading or not. It is you. I am the writer, I decide what is the worth writing one. And I can say, everything I wrote were worth writing. 


Now I am overcoming my low self confidence. Be prepared to be bombard by tons of crappy post. =)


p/s: This had been written really long time ago. The original of this post end till Rapunzel. It was actually concluded with something like: To have mixed emotion and worry even before I write out? Place confidence in myself. Step out from it like how Rapunzel left her tower. Yeah, some sort of thing to convince myself that I can do it. But then it was again shoved under my Drafts for months. I was still battling even after I wrote it. Coward. After the conversation, now I finally dig it out, edit there and here, and ready to publish this post. Because to hide it under Drafts is coward. Because I really feel that these were all worth writing. Worth reading or not is not decided by me, can't be controlled by me. So, why the worry? If you have been scrolling until this point, thank you =) and a big thank you to my friend too. 


p/p/s: I knew I went for hiatus for long time. Friend had been like: your last post was like 2 months ago! =.= I am updating now. I have to clear up my blogging debt before I can finally has space to blog about recent things. 


Stay tune ;) 
xoxo 

I am Ugly

Collection of my most ugly photo captured on camera..

It took me hell lot of courage to post this up but I knew I have to do it..

I knew that I am ugly, I am not attractive..

But being thrown 'You are ugly' right on my face is another thing..

So this post will be the bench mark..

I shall have my comeback for this post..

When I am not ugly, or when I am pretty enough, I will come back and rip this post down..

It will happen and we shall just see when..

When I have my comeback, I shall have something like this..

..several big ass photo shots of my pretty face as a revenge for publishing own ugly photo of mine online..

Picture taken from my fav Malaysian blogger, Cheesie

I don't know when I shall have my comeback, but this time I have to make it for real..

A pretty swan wannabe 

Of how I wish I am the lucky asshole born pretty and prefect..

friends

Emo post. 

I am shy, I am introverted, I have only few friends. It is to the point where I am comfortable with only myself or only people I am really close with. I feel comfortable roaming around the shopping malls alone. And the idea that 'Hey, try inviting some of your classmates or course mates'  never crossed my mind whenever I plan to go out. Yes, I did it several times before. And honestly, nothing feel as comfortable as roaming around shopping mall alone. I mean, how I can stand for 2 hours in book store when I am with friends right? People I felt comfortable with - my family, my besties, my bf.

But sometimes, I still feel lonely. Yes, I am used to be alone but still I will have the feeling to be surrounded by lots of friends sometimes. Family is 2.5 hours drive away from me. Besties are not always free. We have only specific time for gathering. Bf has his own life too, give the poor guy a little break.

Facebook is always the weapon to stir up the envy/jealousy in me. Every time, I saw people posting their happy photos with their university friends in Facebook. I am very envy/jealous of people who mix well with their classmates or course mates. Can you imagine, people came from across the globe/nation and you guys are placed together in a class. With no clue of what is each other past, sometimes even what each other's real names, you guys can be friends. In short time, maybe good friends. That you guys can go for dinner, movies and even trip together. Or hugging each other for photos. Which we always see girl hugs her bestie in the photos. You all lucky people. I am envy. I am jealous. Why can't I have good friends in University too?

Things happened when I am in first year of degree life. When I first started, I think friendship is just 'meh' here in University. I came here to study, I came here to get a degree. Not socializing outside there all night long and wasting my parent's money as well as my sleeping beauty time. But soon, I felt lonely. I eat alone, I study alone, I walk to class alone, I did everything alone. And it hit me at my face that I actually need friends here. After all, what is university life when you have no friends and no memory here? As much as I hate socializing, going out at night because I think that it wasted my time to sleep, I promise myself to make more new friends, and go out socializing with them. As long as I drew an invisible line of to what point I shall allow myself to socialize then it shall be alright, right? And I am lucky enough, after a few nights of hang out and study in group, I am their 'friend'. Friend as in they will remember to ask you out for dinner together, for movies, for outing and remember to celebrate your birthday with you. Not that kind of friends where all the topic of conversation and time spent together were limited to class time only.

But very soon, I got kicked out from their life. I am no idea why. I kept figuring why but still I don't get it. If you think that it is my problem, my attitude or behavior problem, please let me know. If I agreed with what you said, definitely I will change. I have my ego but I am not stubborn. If deep in my heart, I agreed that I am at the wrong side, I will change for the sake of our friendship and for a better me. If I didn't agree with what you said, then just forget about it. You are just unhappy that I am not living the way you want. But still, you even refuse to take the initiative step. You refuse to tell and you refuse to let me improve myself and accept the new me. Am I not being initiative enough? I put down my ego, again and again I try to have back you all as friends. That sometimes I am so ashamed of myself. That sometimes I thought, why should I bother while you all have already gave me up. That sometimes I thought, why should I lower myself to that position? Because I valued you, you, you and you. Because I love you all as friends.

Familiar? Happened to almost everyone, I guess. Happened to me too, a lot of times. Feel like tearing up? Yes. Very. But this is not the worst yet. Know what's the worst? When they go for outing in a real big bunch of friends together, laughing along the street and you bump into them. Real story, baby. Do you all have the idea of how broken is my heart and how I hold my tears in heart and how I fake my smile and says :

Hey where are you guys going? Oh? June's birthday? Happy birthday June! =D

You guys don't even fake on a : 

'Oh hi how coincidence! Lets join us!'

Of course I knew it was fake, silly. Coincidence because we bump into each other when you all going for a biggie big birthday celebration when I am going for dinner. But at least, faking a 'fake invitation' might make me feel better. And no worries, I won't accept it. After all, it was fake and not sincere. Just to make myself feel better. I psycho I know. What's the point of the fake invitation when I knew it is fake and I am not going?

I had one or two drops of tears, looking at the photos we took together before and thinking of the memories we had before. That was past. Now I am stand up strong. Guess mummy is right when she told me not to put much hope in friendship and love. 'I understand your bond with your besties but people out there (the 'friends' in University) is not the same.' Put much hope, put much love and you get hurt at the end. You think they care about you now?

So with that, I keep myself alone. Activity with friends are limited to class period and class related stuff. Even it is outside the class time, it is only lunch/dinner/real quick movie. But not everyone here is bad. Flo and Venna, if you are reading this, I love you girls =) I should have went intern with you girls.

So I keep myself a distance, even until now. But still problem occurs. wtf. What else I did wrong this time? I was kind to the new found friends. I offered myself to run from level 4 to the ground level to take newly printed notes for them. When there is short of notes, I offer them my own notes, saying that I can re-print it later on. I had lunch and dinner with them occasionally. I wasted my napping time to accompany them to meet lecturers. You all can't see the effort I tried to pour into our friendship? And yet what I got? Betrayal. Left out. For one single assignment. I don't wish to elaborate. Don't ask me. I acted cool but I am hurt. It is actually minor. A very minor form of betrayal. Ok la I use betrayal because I can't think of any other less-serious term. But still it hurts. I show you cool face because that is only I can do. I am being nice to you still because I don't want to make things worse.

Guess I don't have much fate with people. I will hug my teddy and go around with it and tell people : that's my best friend. My girls, you are all still the best. I miss you all.

One or two is missing here. But don't get offended girls. You know who you are. Just posting this because this is my favorite piece. 

home and school

Mum : You still don't wanna go pack your thing? You gotta go back school today.
Me : Later. I am so lazy. Plus my ice-cream just went into fridge! I want to wait until its frozen again and I want to eat at least half tub before going back! I am like an orphan there mummy! I always can't eat good food there.
Mum : Ok ok. The next time you come back, I will standby a tub of ice-cream for you.
Me : Yeah! :D

Me : Mummy, I don't want go back school =( I will miss home..
Mum : Then don't go back today! Go back tomorrow! Your Monday class is not important right? Skip it. Let me call your cousin sis and ask if she is OK with going back tomorrow =D
Me : =.= mummy, I am just saying..
Mum : Its ok! You can stay one more day at home to relax. Then you fight for your tests and assignments when you go back to school!
Me : =.= ok then...

Mum : Your cousin sis have important class tomorrow morning at 8. You have to go back today girl =(
Me : ='( I wanna stay at home...

And for the first time after so long, I feel like tearing up, because I really like being at home and I hate going back to school. And I hate to know the fact that mum wants me to stay at home for one more day a lot but I could not make it. Mum looks unhappy too because I can't stay at home for another day.

I like being at home, where I feel no stress at all. No assignments, no nightmares that I am late for my final examination paper and no stressed up for my result. I knew that there are jobs and responsibility as student awaiting me at school but I just hate it. A lot. When my sem break started, I always wish that the time could pass slowly, so that I could stay longer at home. When sem started, I always looking forward for the end of sem, where I knew I can be princess at home at the time.

I like being at home, where I am 24/7 with people I loved and I knew that they loved me back too; my family, my relatives, my hometown friends. There is always no difficult people to deal with at home. Unlike when I am in school. I think I can befriend with her and I can finally socialize a bit, but ended up being sold out because of one single assignment. Tsk. At home, I am always the princess. Touch my hair and face my daddy. LOL

Yet, how I hate the school, I have to go back and start studying. And this is why I am typing this blog post. There is never 0.01% chance for me to blog at home. And good night. The princess needs to sleep and wake early for 9am class wth..

foreveraloneness

I have so many things in my mind to write it out. Starting from my own opinion towards the video featuring KFC worker fought with customer, valentine day, my happiest moments, the departure of bf to UK. But I have so little time to write it out. I was busy before bf depausrting. Had heavy classes and test and so little time left for both of us. And now, a week after he departed, I am by with my study stuff. Tension is already in the air. Tests are here and there, not to mention the assignments too. But still it is so hard to get the nerd mode of mine turned on. Haih. This will be another hard sem for me.

I had so many things to write out, but I won't cramp all in here. Lets go by one post to another post. Easier for me to write, easier for you to read lol. And ignore KFC la. Don't think I am going to write about it. The issue is already out of the topic LOL

Now I will have something erm erm that related to Valentine, I guess. Not my valentine, not about how is my valentine celebration, what is my valentine present, no. That, will be at the next post :p I guess. Or there is no post for it, because nothing special happened, really. I know I am a bit late for Valentine related post la. Okay, very late but I am busy! This time I am not lazy, I am really busy LOL >.<

So when Valentine, my Facebook page is flooded with a lot of stuff. Couple posted sweet love message to one they love. Girls, especially posted what they received for Valentine. It is normal, who doesn't like show off with their own pretty stuff and happy life? I like to show off with my new toy too, no big deal. I found them lovely and sweet and perhaps a little too cheesy for those who over-doing it but I am still fine with them.

But still I found very irritating things on my Facebook on the very lovely day. The most annoying thing  are something like this..

..and other gag comic that is similar to this. Forever alone on Valentine day. 

I don't understand why. Most of my Facebook friends are only 20++. First, why you wanna sad if you are single on Valentine day? You are only 20++. Enjoy! Go out there, mix with boys and girls. Single is the best. Enjoy now while you are single. When you start to date, it all changes, even how open-minded your partner is. The commitment as people's girlfriend or boyfriend will be there. Plus you are not single at age of 30 or 40 right? If you are single at that age, yes, please keep whining about forever alone until you get yourself a partner. But if you are only 20++, puh, please. You are too young for commitment. Go enjoy =)

Plus, I don't understand why people nowadays thinks that Valentine is only for couple. I remembered when I was in primary school, I really thought Valentine is for couples, until my teacher taught me that Valentine is not only for dating couple. It is for the family members as well. It is for everyone you loved. It is a day where you spread the love. You don't love your mum, your dad, your sisters or brothers that grew up with you? So, if you are not an orphan, why whining about forever alone on Valentine? You have your family, your friends, the one you loved aside than your future boyfriend or girlfriend. So, forever alone? Think again. You forever alone celebrating Valentine at your university or your mum is the one forever alone in the home waiting for her daughter or son to call her because she missed you so much.

This is funny in a way. But to eat with your mother when Valentine is not funny at all. If you call to your mum on 14/2 to tell her, "Ma, happy valentine day. I love you", can you imagine how happy is she? All the way along, I know when people mention about Valentine day, they will think about loving couples. But you can be the different one. Even my mum, I remembered that she was in shock when I first wished her valentine day. I still remembered that she questioned me about how Valentine is for couples but yet, over the phone, I can still hear her happy voice. Yeah, extra bonus if you are in a relationship and still you remember to call your mum and wish her valentine.

This is not forever alone. I hope my dad wishes me valentine too. Damn he doesn't even remember my birthday. But I guess it is fair enough as he doesn't remembered mum's birthday too. And the quote of "The best way to remember your girl's birthday is by forgetting it once" is fake one. My dad is still safe and sound till now LOL

Spend valentine with your friends will not make you all together alone. You don't love your friends? You all will have happy time together. My friends for example, they celebrated valentine day together last 2 years. Most of the girls in the group are single. There is also one is already attached. So? Still can have fun time together with friends right? I was whining a lot when they left me out in the outing. They thought that I was busy with my bf but I was doing nothing in my room at the Valentine night actually.

Still think that you are forever alone? Nvm, pictures down there are for you. Scroll down =)

Yeah. Who cares about the stupid date when you can just at home and eat cereal. When you go out, you see couple here and there, which remind u more that you are forever alone. When you go restaurant, the meals on promotion is for couple! And you are going alone. So, just stay home. And..

..ahahaha.. the f*** word may spoil my blog but I think it is super cute and true. If you still think that valentine is for couple and you are forever alone, just f*** it. It is another Tuesday anyway haha.. =)

For me, honestly, I think Valentine is just another ordinary day. I don't really care about celebration like this. But since people created the festival, and so many couples are celebrating it, so I just went along with the culture. LOL And since people created it as a day where you spread your love, I really think people shall not spoil it with the foreveraloneness. Except if you are orphan and you really have no one. It shall be the happy day. You don't happy seeing love is all in the air? =)

Valentine supposed to be a day where you spread the love. Be happy =) 

This is not me. She is one of my besties. Since the post is related to Valentine, so I might just post a picture related to it. A love for you all =) 

Sher, I know I didn't ask for your permission ahead for this. I can remove it down if you are not happy with it =)

p/s : I had been thinking and thinking on whether to post this up or not. It is more to my personal opinion towards the foreveralone vs valentine. It may offend people who posted about their foreveralone during Valentine but people, you have your own reason and opinion to post about your foreveralone and I had my own reasoning about my dislike towards the foreveralone thingy during Valentine. People do have different mindset and opinions ya. And for the 9GAG comic, don't be offended too. I like 9gag, it brings so much happiness and laughter to me whenever I browse my Facebook. They are all cute but it is just the foreveraloneness that I did not favor.
No harsh feeling, cheers =)

sweetest valentine gift

Diamond? I don't have the elegance to wear your 2k diamond ring. Flowers? They will wilt within days and then I will have troubles thinking whether to keep your flowers or just to throw it away. Chocolate? It will be in my tummy in matters of minutes.

Sweetest valentine gift is not about the price tag on the gift. Price tag - it is only the money you needed. Sweetest valentine gift ever is all about when I see your gift, I can see the effort that you put in, the all sort of troubles you went through to make it perfect, make it presentable just for me =)

Came across the sweetest valentine gift ever at Facebook. Yes, a couple photo-book. A book full of love story. It belongs to one of the besties of mine. Her bf is in the photography field and they always have the memories frozen up in the form of pictures. And for the 2012's Valentine, the sweet bf took out all the memories and present them in the photo-book that can be kept forever. 

Doink, I am happy for you too. Can imagine if you tear up while flipping the book page by page, where each page consist of the memories created by just you and him =)

Frame in frame =)

Now I write this in smaller font because I don't want to spoil the mood :p Doink, now you make me want to get an instant camera for nothing!

For all the couple out there, especially for the star of my post, Doink and bf, Happy Valentine Day =) May your relationship last forever and ever. I am waiting to receive wedding invitation! :p

p/s : I knew Valentine was over looooonnng time ago. But still I wanted to post this. I like it so much. I think it is the greatest gift ever. But it didn't happen to me, I am not the one receiving photo-book so it is hard to me to get the right words and terms to write the whole post out. I had been composing and editing the post again and again to get the whole thing right, and at the end, I knew this is not the best but meh, forget about it. I posted it because a photo-book is a thing that I liked and I will appreciate, and I am so happy for my bestie so I just wanted to share to the world! =D

Below onwards will make me like a spokeperson for Groupon but meh, I found something I think is good and I just wanna share it =) And I posted it down here because it is quite related to the content up there. We all knew Groupon offer great deals and bla bla bla and I saw this 2 days before!

It is an offer for photo-book ! RM69 instead of RM188! You may design your own layout too, I guess. Which I think it is ultra good! Your own customized and personalized photo-book! 101 in the world! 

A turn off to all of you : I saw this 2 days ago and I am not sure if they still have this deal. At Groupon, you have to buy a deal before specific time. So.. Go check out yourself la har.. 

When I first saw this, I knew that I had to get it. I loooovvveee photo-book. And scrap-book. And the character in it shall be my bf and me! But he hates camera a lot. He doesn't take pictures. I would not get enough pictures of me and him to paste on the photo-book. So I forget about him. I think of someone else. The second person came to my mind is my mum. ...... Awkward to have photo-book featuring you and mum yeah. Nvm, I will think of someone else. My besties! Omg they love pictures a lot and we had tons of pictures taken from young till now. They shall be the perfect choice! We will have a friendship theme photo-book! And the book will be designed with all the girly girly stuff. Pink cover, designed with love heart pattern, butterfly pattern and oh maybe one or two hello kitty logo over there. Yes! But then I realized that there is only one photo-book, and there are so many of us. T__T Who is going to keep it? Thus, I just give up on having the photo-book. T__T And then, I decided that I shall get the prettiest ever photo-book for my partner and myself when I get married :p which I will still have looonnng way to go >.<

A, B, C or Pass?

RIP to my most hated subject, Corporate Finance.. I shall see you again in your next life.. Don't worry, it won't be long, the coming month I will stuck with you again for another 4 months.. Oh god..

I was in the middle of exam, but after done my killer papers and thinking that my next paper is at 5pm tomorrow, I shall relax and update myself a bit with my internet social life.. Check on facebook and blog of my friends.. Saw two of my friends, jesz and qin updated their blogs today, so I think it will be a good date for a blog session too.. lol.. the more the merrier.. >.<

Realized something that hit me hard in my face today..
I saw my friend's status and post, which shows that they care so much about their cgpa..
Grade of C or even B is enough to make them whining about how the low grade will pull down their cgpa.. Which this makes me feel very bad about myself.. I have very average result in my uni life, sometimes even lower than average when I had failed my papers several times before..
Of course, at the moment when I failed, I feel very bad and depressed.. Thinking of all the time wasted to study the subject but still fail at the end, thinking of the money spent to retake it, thinking of the poor cgpa and mostly, thinking of the journey of university life that will be prolonged just because I failed the papers..
I did improved.. Every time after I failed, I stood up strong again, retake the subject and pull up the grade back despite of how much I hate it..

However, there is still a thing that I never improve on.. I never have passion to get A in my university life.. Well, maybe in my foundation time, to get an A was still the goal..  But after stepping into degree, especially me in entering the last year, grade A is no longer the goal.. The goal? To only pass, of course.. For me, getting an A in degree is super hard, where it is almost impossible.. You should be happy when you can get a pass in degree life.. Only those kiasu people that just enter degree will still aim for A..

But now seems that I am wrong.. Somehow, when I browsed my friends' facebook page and blog, they are all mentioning their aim to get A in the final..
When one people told me that he wants to get A for his papers, I will think that this fella is just another kiasu people that are still new to degree.. an A in a degree life? How impossible is that..
But when there are 10 people saying the same thing?
It start to shake my original mindset that 'impossible to get A in degree'..
I doubt on my own ability and capability..
When only one can get A, he is just pure lucky or pure smart.. but when 10 people can get it..?
It is not pure lucky or pure smart anymore..
It is the effort you put in achieving a thing and the passion towards it..
Reflecting back on myself, I realized where is my mistake all the time..
I never get an A because I never aim for it.. I never believe in it.. I never believe in myself.. I never work hard towards it..
Work towards getting only pass and to get A is two different things.. and I never ever put enough effort for it..
How shameful is it when I only realize it now..
If this is the attitude I possessed towards my study since I stepped into my university life, there is probably only a year and half left to my graduation..
Feel shameful, feel bad and regret..

Thinking of today's papers, Financial Reporting, it is actually a good chance for me to grab an A for the very first time in my degree.. but it is me who take it for granted, not memorizing the format of account properly..
And my Corporate Finance paper, it will be another nightmare for me when I think that I have to retake the entire subject in coming sem..
The result is not out, in fact it was only 8 hours ago since I did that paper so it is not confirmed yet that I fail.. but I knew myself very well.. I knew what I was doing in the exam hall.. I never stop writing in the 2 hours period given but I know the standard of my answer.. They are not sufficient to pass.. But still, lets hope for a miracle to happen.. I want to proceed with my papers, not getting stuck with the same paper all over again..
When I was in exam hall, I did not have enough time to finish the paper..
For the last 10 minutes, my answer sheet is still blank for a question worth of 30 marks.. Mr Adrian was so happened to walk by me that time.. He saw my empty answer sheet, and then he looked at the clock, and look again at my answer sheet.. I was only just about to finish only one paragraph by that time.. I dare not to look into his face.. But I can somehow 'see' the disappointment in him.. It is already the last ten minutes, for a 30 marks question, and I was only at the first paragraph with only two lines of sentence..
Yeah I knew.. I can't help.. I was mad at myself too.. I felt like apologizing to Mr Adrian but to think back, it is useless..
What for apologizing to him..? It is me to suffer the consequences.. I should say sorry to myself.. Sorry for not realizing everything earlier..

If 10 of my friends can do it, and never say that getting an A is impossible, then why should I give up to get an A too? Why am I always at the negative thoughts when the positive one is just in front of me..?
I took everything for granted.. I remembered even getting a B for my English paper because I never put effort in it.. It was just English Language paper anyway.. But now, I want to change..
No more negative attitude.. no more giving up before trying.. I will take the past as lesson, a lesson that will motivate me in a way so that I can do better in my study..I am prepared to take the worst consequences for my final this time, but lets not look at the past anymore.. I had reflected myself on my past mistakes and this is time to change.. Lets have passion and goal towards the coming study sem.. Good luck =)

I still have two papers left, so better off to study now.. lets see if the last minute passion towards study and goal to get A will result in A or not =)
For friends who are having final, good luck guys =)
Fighting!

Pencils

Pencils..
No wait, in more accurate terms, lousy pencils and mechanical pencils..
How many do you still keep or use pencils..?
How many of you have come across a China brand lousy mechanical pencil but still keep it..?
I do..

People asked me why I still keep all the trash..
I replied that they are still usable, so don't waste it..
A part of the answer is true..
Another part is I am addicted to break pencils or mechanical pencils into half when I got angry..



Scientific explanation behind all these..?
Well, I don't know..
It is just..
Imagine the pencil is the people that make you angry, turn your sunny day with birds chirping into a stormy day..
And then you can grab it in your hand, and break it into half..like in real life you can kung fu the ass of that bastard that ruin your day..
And your anger may just dissapear after you break that cheap, lousy pencils that may not even cost a ringgit..
Do the calculation. And you will find that it is super worth it =)

Mechanical pencil is the best..
Because it was made from plastic, and sometimes, it is hard to break it into half..
Thus, I will concentrate all my 'energy' to break one mechanical pencil, and then I will get satisfied..
Cheap, how much will a China mechanical pencil cost..?

Pencil will do too..
But pencil was made from lead and wood, and it is too easy to be broken into half..
Thus, I will need to break more than one pencil to calm myself down..
Super cheap, yes I need more than one, but they were all cheap stuff..

People said that I do not know how to handle my stress..
I, being snobbish, never admit it..
Come one..
When I am in stress, I just need few minutes to cry out, few pencils, or an ice-cream to chill myself..
Back and forth, all the process may not even take half an hour..
I did not blow out my anger on anyone else, expect for my pencils..
That is good enough already right?

And don't tell me that I do not know how to control my emotion, aka my anger..
I had kept the mechanical pencil shown in above picture for almost two years..
I, being snobbish again, have pretty good temper and patient..

So yeah, what is your ways of controlling or releasing your anger? =)

Bingo

Went to buy newspaper this morning..
Saw the aunt at the newspaper stall playing this Bingo game with another aunt that sit behind her at the coffee shop..
There is quite a distance between them, so they just shout out the number loudly without even looking at each other..
I smiled ghostly at the aunt..
It might sound stupid and silly for some people..
But for me, this sounds like 'home'..
My home, my village..
Kampung Sempalit, Raub, Pahang
And this is how village people acts like :]

When the realization hits in

Last few night, I have this very special friend of mine playing a game with me..
I think we can name the game as 'know more about you'..
And through this game, he reminded me of something..
Something that I had held long as dream and ambition..
But I had kind of forgotten about that, due to the pressure thrown by the cruel reality..
I asked him about his wish list..
He answered : I enjoy helping animals.. I seriously don't like human..
Yes, he is a cute vet-to-be :)

His words then hit me..
I started to realize something..
Ahh..
How long since the last time I said "I enjoy helping.."??

Honestly, environmental factors can change a person a lot..
My family background is one of it..
How long I want to see my dad selling fruits at a small stall..?
How about my younger brothers..?
Can I as the eldest sister seeing them working hard day and nights but earning just that few hundreds ringgit..?
And, my boyfriend is all about business minded and profit making..
All these dragged me out of my own ambition..
I started to forget about myself..
All these pull me further away from myself..

This very special friend of mine; I envy him a lot..
He is happy and he is doing the things that he likes most..
To study across three different countries before you can achieve with what you dream of is not easy..
And yet, he can make it..

I still remember when I start searching for college, I was still keen to search the course related to my ambition, though I know I can't make it at last..
My family is not being supportive at this..
And there, I had walked out a new path, a path that I never even dream of taking it..
Accounting
This was a total nightmare..
I remembered how I used to fail this paper again and again during my high school time..
Then, at the first two years of my study in accounting, I still hope that one day I can go back to my true ambition..
I still tell people that I want to further pursue in psychology after my accounting degree..

But when the reality hits it, I totally forgot about it..
When my boyfriend starts converting me to business woman, I start to forget about psychology..
When my mum starts telling me more and more stories about the family, I don't even have a minute to think about psychology..
It is like, my mindset have been switched, totally..
I have not being the true me..

The now me will not talk about psychology anymore..
I just think of how to graduate my accounting paper, and then proceed further with profession paper, so I can get a good pay..
And then, I will work for few years..
And even taking part time finance course to equip myself in my work field..
Then I will start building my own business, whatever it is, I don't care..
The business will just have to earn income to feed my family, to bring my family to a higher status..
These were all in my mind, until his words hit me into realization..

When it is his turn to ask me back the same question, without a second thought, I answered : I want to be a business woman..
And then here comes his words on 'I enjoy helping animals' and 'I don't like human seriously'..
Enjoy helping..
Again, when is the last time I said this..?
I can't remember myself..
I want to be a psychologist because I enjoy helping human..
I enjoy the studying the mystery of human brain and mentality..
I want to help those weak in mental to stand up strong again..

And now, it lead me into dilemma..
For few days I had been thinking about this..
To think whether I should do the thing I love or to do things for the one I love..?

Unexpected guests

Well well.. I have a quiz tomorrow and look what am I doing now..
Blogging..!
I supposed to sleep or do revision now..!
But, I am extremely happy now thus I decided to give myself a break and blog it out :)
Just now I had two unexpected guests..
For your all information, I am staying in a hostel block at ground floor..
The convenience of staying at ground floor is people can knock your window and stand there to chat with you the whole day :)
And this friend of mine, AhLong knew that I was staying here long time ago..
So just now, he paid me a visit together with Heather..
Just a simple knock or a simple "RUBY LIM LOON PING!" from outside the window can make me smile wide :)
Finally I got friend who pay me a visit after class time and willing to stand outside the window to chat with me eh..
See, I got friends too neh.. ^^
I was happy..
I wonder since when we had our last chat like this..?
One year..? Two years..?
Or since the class separation at the second sem I was in Inti..?
AhLong and Heather stood outside the window to chat with me, and observed my room..
Haha.. I was real happy..
I never give up on missing you guys..
3A2 was the best class I ever had in my life after 3M and 5I classes that I had during my secondary school time..
3A2 was the first class I had in Inti, consisted of 20 male and 20 female students..
The best and irreplaceable class I had in Inti :)
AhLong and Heather, were in the class as well..
I never thought of having guests from my window anymore..
Firstly, it is simply because my current classmates don't know where am I staying..
Bet that they are not interested to know as well..
Most of my current classmates, are just plain classmates..
The interactions we had, are all limited to class period only..
Second, it had been a long long gap since my interaction with my batch of friends..
So it is never crossed in my mind that they will pay me another visit..
But now, they did..
AhLong and Heather; although the chat is not a long one, but it is enough to make me smile wide, enough to make me feel touched :')
Lucky I never move out from this room..
Yes, I am staying in a room located at ground floor and near the study room, which sometimes it is super noisy due to the people walking, running and chatting near my room..
And sometimes it is so inconvenience because I could not open the window wide when I feel hot..
But still, there is reason where I refuse to leave..
There is a good reason where I am willing to bear with the noise and stuff :)
And the reason shall be the one that make my day..
Happy to welcome the unexpected guests :)

Nightmare

Nightmares haunting..
But of all the nightmares why this popped out in my dream..?
It was scary, it was horrible..
I hope this will never ever happen..
The nightmare started at an old house..
Seems like those very old village house..
Never seen this house before in my life but in my dream, i recognized that 'house' is the house I am staying..
How come my house become like this..?
Become worse than how it supposed to be..?
Then, there are lots of guests in the living room, crowding a girl..
The guests are all my relatives and friends.. and the girl, me of course..
I am dressed in a purple knee length dress, my favourite all the time..
I still remember the details of the dress.. purple dress with simple design yet it is accessorized with those glittery accessories..
And I don't know how it happens but it is my wedding day..
I was wearing the wedding dress, waiting for someone appear..
I was waiting and waiting with all the guests in the living room..
I don't know who was I waiting for, but I had a feel that I am not waiting for my prince charming..
The guests are all looking at me with sad and pity look..
I was nervous, still waiting for the appearance of that someone..
Then, somebody shouted to me, asking me to go to the behind of the house..
I didn't question why, nor giving her a questioning look..
I obeyed and started to walk to the direction given..
She then asked me to run, and I obeyed..
Then I reached the bathroom..
The condition of the bathroom is disgusting..
Faeces are everywhere on the floor of the bathroom..
Then I saw two of my uncles cleaning the bathroom using the water pipes.. and worst, I saw my mum sitting at the corner of the bathroom, crying..
I approached her.. asking her why but she just cried..
My uncle then tell me that she had a disease called bowel movement control something..
I can't memorize the name.. but I understood what was that..
It is something like you can't control when and where you need to go toilet..
When you felt like going and you can't find a toilet in time, you will just let go of the faeces at everywhere you stand..
I was shock when I heard this..
But still I went to my mum, hugged her and said that everything is okay..
And then I grabbed the water pipe from my uncle's.. like indicating I am ready to take the responsibility to take care of my mum for the rest of my life..
And when I woke, I almost cried out..
What if it becomes true..?
What will happen to this family..?
What will happen to mum..?
Can't we financially support this..?
Can mum emotionally and physically strong enough to fight with the disease..?
Everything was running into my mind at the same time..
But when I turned, I saw my mum, still sleeping peacefully..
The worry was almost gone..
Heavily I smiled..
If I started to save and buy less of my wants and buy her supplementary then everything should be fine right..?

Appreciate

Hello hot stuff! :p

So here am I again..

I had been through the stupid exam, had my princess life (loyal readers should knew that my princess life is equal to holiday :p) and now finally, back again to Inti nilai L

Depart at 5pm from Raub, reached Inti at 8pm..

Super late due to heavy rain and traffic jam..

Today is first day for my cousin sister in Inti..

Yup, she will be studying here for diploma in business admin..

And her room is just three door next to mine..

So after reached Inti, we get into our room, be prepared and headed out for dinner..

Dinner was just for me and her, as my boyfriend is too tired to have dinner..

During dinner, my aunt also my cousin sister’s mum called her..

To ask stuff like ‘where are you now?’, ‘you got tidy up your room?’, and ‘had your dinner?’

Just a very short conversation between them..

I was not eavesdropping, but she was just sitting right in front of me and talked to the mum..

So right after the conversation, my cousin sister burst out crying..

I was so shocked seeing her that way..

Okay, she was the type that look very though..

So it is hard to imagine or even see her in this way..

She was not having any difficulties in new environment, just that she missed the mum a lot, she said..

I didn’t really console her..

It was hard..

It is the stage that she must endure it in order to grow..

I had been there before..

So don’t judge me, saying that I am being mean and cruel..

I had been there before, I understood how she felt..

When I saw her crying, there was an urge for me to cry as well..

I missed my mum , too..

The holiday was god damn short..

I haven’t steamboat with my mum, haven’t bring her to Valley Resort for lunch, haven’t cleaned up the store room for her, and more..

Seeing her now was like seeing myself at the past..

I remembered first day I was here in Inti Nilai, I was so excited yet sad..

Excited that I finally can step in into a private college yet sad because leaving home far away..

The first day I was here, my mum and little brother booked a taxi and sent me here, helped me to clean my room, went to Giant for quick shopping and lunch..

And finally, when my mum and brother were about to leave, I cried..

I don’t want to be alone at here..

I don’t want to leave my mum..

I don’t want to leave the kingdom where I spent growing up..

My mum cried too..

I never leave her..

But I am grown..

I need to get further education..

And after the education, I need to get a work in big city..

I need to leave..

I remembered that I used half a year to get away from home sick, to get myself really adapted to new environment..

Now, 3 years in Inti..

Of course I miss my mum all the time, but it is not as worse as the first day I was here..

I called my mum daily and I went back hometown when I am free..

There is no turning back in our life..

I wish I can go back to high school where my home is only 10minutes ride away from school..

I wish I can go back to the time where I went back to home to see mummy waiting for me..

But I know these are all impossible..

Like I said, to leave is a stage everyone have to go through..

To leave for higher education and better job..

As I stepped into college life, I know it is impossible to see my family daily like I was in high school..

And I am aware that as time passes, there is lesser time I could spend with my family..

People close with me always ask me that why I always call my mum and why I always want to go back home..

My answer is always the same; if I don’t call her now, and I refuse to go back home, I will never have the chance to do these again once I stepped into work world or even when I am in my final year.. so I don’t want to regret for not doing these..

People learnt from past..

I didn’t appreciate the past where I had my mum 24 hours ready beside me but I shoved her away..

I didn’t appreciate the past when my daddy brought home my favourite fruits but I didn’t finished them..

And now, when I lost them, I start to know how to appreciate..

And now, whenever I still have the time, I will call and go back, appreciate ever single moment spent with my dearest family..

This is one of top in my most important list..

Life is short..

I just want to provide all of us series of good memories while we are all bond in the name of family J